worrying thoughts....

my babysitter is too attached to my daughter. and it's concerning me. i have noticed when i come home and she's here, she doesn't want me to hold maggie. the first time i figured, well, maybe the baby is tired and i should leave her be. but the next time, she did it again, and told me the baby needed some sleep. i told her the baby needs her mommy, and i need her. then she stepped out of the way as I went and reached for her. today, she didn't give the baby to my husband when we went to a special mass for babies baptized at our local church. and he didn't push it - he let her do it. i said "her father wants to hold her, and he'll hold her" and had to take her out of the sitters' arms and give her to her dad.

i know she loves her. i'm fine with that. i realize she's an empty nester, but this is making me worry. maggie is sort of a particularly pretty baby - i know that sounds really vain but i'm serious. it really scares me that someone might take her. and now that the person we entrust her with 2 days a week is acting weird, i really don't know what to do.

my job has changed in a way. i used to really like it, liked and respected my boss, the works. but lately he's been talking to me like i'm an idiot. he's done this before too, when he's stressed out. i get upset about it, we occasionally have it out and things are fine again. but now, i don't really care if he's stressed out. people tell me, he doesn't mean it, he likes you, etc. that soothed me usually. but you know what? nobody has a right to talk to me like this.

now, don't get me wrong, this isn't an "i hate my job and i'm so abused" post, it's just that i've realized that it isn't such a great job and that what i really want is to be home with the baby. i don't want to sit in my office crying anymore (which happened on friday) and i want to have five or ten minutes to eat lunch without being buzzed constantly. i'll be honest with you. since i was a kid, i've always liked being around music, musicians, actors, famous people. i have a certain excitement and comfort level at the same time. it's why i initially got into the business. i found that i could speak with famous people and they'd like me. it was nearly always just a one time thing, and i was so good with them that when i interned at a radio station, it's what they had me do. guest warm ups. i have a difficult time seeing myself working at a long island insurance company or something after doing this for over 20 years. there's nothing wrong with working for an insurance company, trust me, i know, but i do like to come home and tell my family about my days. it's going to be a hard habit to break, but i cannot be treated like a piece of shit, even if it happens every other month or so.

i try to think of how i'd feel if maggie came home and told me someone had treated her this way. i'd want her to stand up for herself and walk out if necessary. but here i am, in reality land, and the music business is shrinking more and more every day. in february i'll be at my company for 9 years. and i'd really miss some of my artists. but i'm sure i'd get over it!

my husband is at his work holiday party. they do it in january, which is kind of cool. he kept saying how he didn't want to go and how he'd stay for a half hour and come home. i'm like "pleeeeeeeeeeeeease go. you're going to have a great time and come home when you want to. just don't drink & drive". so he just called me to tell me he's having fun. he says i want to stay longer. i'm like "for god's sake, have a good time and come home when you come home." i have a daughter - now i have a son too?? :)

my sister took me to see "notes on a scandal" today. it was good. i know everyone's taking about dame judi dench (she was really good) and cate blanchett (who was really good too) but the person i thought was just great was bill nighy. holy shit. the movie is a little dull though, and the main characters are simply not very likeable. but it's worth seeing.

okay i'm going now. the baby is in bed and the hubby is at his party - i can watch a movie on dvd!!!