when maggie smiles...

nothing else matters. something happens inside my heart that i don't ever remember experiencing before. it's truly an unbearable lightness. i understand the title of that book now in a way i never would have before. how i wish i could just capture those moments and live them over and over again. i hear about these school shootings, these child sex crimes, these parents killing their children and I want to lock the doors and never even go outside with my baby. how am i ever going to be able to send her to school? the thought just destroys me. i know i will, but i was planning to send her to a local Quaker school, and now i don't know that i can do it. it reminds me so much of the Amish school. i want her protected, but not smothered. how can we achieve that kind of balance in today's so seriously fucked up society? i really wonder if she'd be better off if we move to italy, but how could she be if she'd be deprived of her aunt and our friends here in the States?

i apologize. today is the last day of my maternity leave and this has not been an easy week for me. i was hoping today would be a really special one for me and maggie, but instead it was loaded with gas pain and tears, a pay check that came up more than $350 short and general moodiness on my part and hers. until tonight. i just sat her up on my lap facing me and started talking to her. and her reactions were killer. the smiles, the laughs, the mischievous looks she gives me. unreal. the best thing i have ever done in my life was to get pregnant at 40 and give birth to this little girl. the italian is so in love with her that it can be painful to see him have to leave our apartment to go to work or to go find a new job.

we received so many gifts and cards and emails from people about and for maggie. this includes people i barely know. yet, one of my friends, someone who has been in my life for over 16 years didn't even call me. i don't go out much anymore, but i see this friend at least once every 4 months or so (that's a lot for me - i'm a homebody type now and don't really like to take a late train home at night). i read tarot for her from time to time, but mostly we go have dinner with another friend of ours (whom i haven't heard from either, but it's not the same relationship)and have a really good time together. i sent her emails through the pregnancy and we tried to get together a few times but it never panned out. after having the baby, i sent her an email and told her i'd given birth and sent a photo of maggie. i didn't hear from her for about a month. when i did, she old me that work was crazy and blah blah blah, sorry she hadn't written sooner, maggie's beautiful, etc. i was delighted! so i answered her that day. that was on august 14th. i have not heard from her since. what is that?? it's been really bothering me. she's not someone i thought would bail on me like this. i feel like calling her up and telling her that i'm really hurt that she couldn't be bothered to call me or email me at least once since the middle of august, not even on my friggin birthday. another friend had sent her an invitation to my baby shower, and her response, when she finally got one, was that she was waiting to see what her mother's plans were for that weekend. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. okay. it sucks to be left with no choice but to sever ties with friends who've shared so much of your life.

i haven't seen many movies of late - mostly elmo videos and sesame street. have you guys seen anything you'd care to comment on?

that's it for me tonight. take care of yourselves! sorry for the typos - i'm exhausted and this computer is sucky. :)