Life is so strange...

I am exhausted. Maybe it's depression. Strange to possibly be depressed at this point in my life, but I guess it's not that unusual. Lots of changes. Lots of clarity. No time to dress things up and make them seem more palatable than they are.

Friendships have definitely been shaken out and some are gone for good. I'm okay with that, even though the final conversations have not happened, and I would like them to occur. I think it's important. One I can initiate, the other I will not. Family members have come out of the woodwork because of the baby - that's nice. Doesn't change anything, but it's nice.

Two years ago, my doctor found a lump in my breast. She referred me to someone she said was the best with a sonogram. I went to him, sure it would be nothing. He did the sonogram. He told me I had cancer. Then he did a mammogram. He said yes, it's cancer. Then he did a needle biopsy, and said that he could tell just from the way the fluid was coming out that it was cancer. Never once did he ask if I wanted to call someone to be there with me. Just left me sitting alone in cold exam room after exam room, shaking and crying a little. I didn't take that news stoicly. I was terrified and sick to my stomach. I was late for work and I was stressed about it. I kept thinking "I have cancer".

When I finally left his office, my legs were all wobbly and I nearly fell onto Fifth Avenue. I called my sister. I was hysterical. She seemed so calm. I found out later that she was not. I called my husband. He freaked out. Finally, I tried to call my boss. I couldn't speak. I had to ask my sister to call him for me.

I had an appointment a week later with the surgeon who would remove the lump (we were hoping that's all that they'd have to remove). When I went to see him, he was reviewing the information he had and I asked him what would happen after the surgery, would I need chemo, radiation? He looked at me like I had 6 heads. He said "why do you think you have cancer?" I told him that the other doctor (Dr. Bard) told me that's what I had, that there was a 10% chance I did not have cancer. I thought he was going to explode.

He immediately made a call, and I was scheduled for another needle biopsy the following morning at NYU Hospital. I was dreading it. The doctor there must have punctured my breast 25 times, and he'd run out of the room between punctures. I was due for surgery in two days, so I didn't see the point in this. Finally, I said, "listen, they're removing the lump in a couple of days, can't you just test it then?" He didn't really answer me, just kept puncturing me. Then he came back into the room and said "It's totally benign".

"WHAT?"

"Yes, it's benign. I've tested nearly every quadrant. There's one I didn't get to because it would make you very uncomfortable to reach."

"Do it, please" I said.

He did. It was nothing. He told me that he's a specialist and has his own lab right there - that's what he was doing after the punctures. He and the surgeon were very upset that my family and myself had been told something so stupid and wanted to assure me that things were okay. They wanted to remove the lump anyway. I said fine. I went through with the surgery, happy to put this behind me.

The lump is back.

Now my new doctor says "this isn't a clogged duct" which is what I thought it might be. He wants a sonogram. I just can't do it. Can't go through all that drama again. That took years off my life. But he said to see if I get my period first, and if I do, see if it disappears. So I'm waiting. And hoping. And scared. Either way, if this doesn't vanish, it's worrisome.

Enough on that.

I saw David Copperfield last night. First time I've ever seen it. I love Dickens, but never read that book. Maybe because I can't stand the magician with the same name! Anyway, I loved the movie and highly recommend it. The woman who plays David's mother is REALLY annoying, overacting. But she's not in it for very long and the rest is truly great. I don't know what it is about Dickens, but the bad things are really bad, and the good things are really true. I know that's so stupid, but I don't know how else to say it. He was so good at bringing characters to life. At least in my opinion...

Have you seen Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' baby? She's GORGEOUS!!! I have that copy of Vanity Fair and can't get over how adorable she is. His older children are beautiful too.

Maggie starts stirring, getting hungry around 5:45AM. I generally pull her into bed and nurse her after checking her diaper. This morning I took her into her room for a changing and she was not thrilled. I took off the wet diaper and pretended I couldn't lift it. I was whispering "this is so heavy! i think it weighs 900 pounds! what am i gonna do? how in the world are we gonna change you?" and this kid LIT UP. She was smiling from ear to ear. I cannot wait to hear her laugh. She's truly amazing. I can't wait to get home every single night. I love her more than I ever knew I had the capacity to love.

Enough for today. Hope you're all well and warm and happy. :)