the saga continues...

i had written this entire thing out and then we lost our electricity. it's a pretty wild storm outside. maybe it's my aunt letting me know she's not happy with me telling this story. i don't know. but i lost about 45 minutes of pure stream of consciousness work!

okay, well, cousin bitchy was high as a kite and acting like a, well, bitch to the people around us at the club. vito was being an asshole as well, and a friend i ran into told me my cousin was tripping. he was right. she started talking about people with silver teeth that were trying to bite her and how she thought she should hide someplace. soon, they vanished and i couldn't find them. i missed most of the show looking for them. i ran backstage to say hello and managed to get on stage to see if i could see them anywhere as the club was emptying out. i didn't. the band offered to take me home, but i had my stuff at my aunt's, and i couldn't just leave my cousin. i stayed until everyone had gone. they had left me there. i managed to get a taxi and went back to my aunt's.

when i got there, my aunt was frantic, worried about my cousin. she asked me how i could leave her there. i told her that i didn't, and that they really had left me...but it was like i'd said nothing. finally, at around 3am, bitchy shows up and starts telling my aunt all kinds of really fucked up stories about things that never happened. my aunt asked me how i could have brought her daughter to a place like this. then she called my mother and told her what had happened. and THEN she told me that she thought i should leave.

3AM. Staten Island. i'd only ever been there with my family. it was january. i said okay. i got my stuff, and was hoping someone would say "oh just let her stay until the sun comes up" or something, but no one did. i left, and i walked around for hours. finally, i figured out where the ferry was and made it back to nyc.

i was so afraid to talk to my mother, who always took everyone else's side in everything. i made it back to the garage i was living in and finally cried my heart out. it was the first time i realized how totally alone i was, and realized also that i was still a child. the funny thing was that when i finally did talk to my mother, she told me that my aunt was nuts, and that her kid could murder someone right in front of her and she'd deny deny deny.

bitchy has a sister i'll call twitchy. she really is twitchy. she never left home, and in fact still lives in the family home even though her parents are dead and she's pushing 50. there's also a great sister that i love (who i don't think was there that night, but i could be blocking it) and a brother that's just kind of a jerk.

they had a barbeque last summer, and invited my sister, me and the italian. we went. it was a mistake. i was having a great time with the cousin i like and her two kids (who are outrageously fun). then bitchy came over and started asking me if i remembered when i was really little and my mother made her wear some bullet thing in our pool. i didn't know what she was talking about, but it must have been a floaty thing from when i was about 3 or 4. she kept going on and on about it, and how she hated it, and how she didn't need it. i asked her if she was alright. then she started telling me how i was always forcing her to read and that she hated that too.

and THEN she said "i miss my mother so much. don't you miss your mother?"

i thought, well, i could lie, or i could give her what she wants. everyone was watching these two nearly 40 year old women have this freaky, tense thing going on.

i said "no".

everyone gasped.

i said, "well, i don't. she didn't like me. she wasn't exactly nice to me and she never ever called me."

bitchy looked at me like i was an alien. i said to her "well, i know your mother loved you. i understand that it must be really hard for you. but it's a different story for me".

the thing is, i used to call bitchy to make sure she was alright. she'd talk to me for hours about how she missed her mommy and daddy. her husband thanked me for helping her. and this is her repayment to me.

when they told me that they wanted a shower for me, i knew i wanted my cousin to come - the one i like. she's funny and smart and really sweet. she's the only one who told me to pull the plug on my first marriage. it's because of her that i made that step and moved forward with my life. but i couldn't have had her invited to the shower and not invite her sisters. i thought twitchy and bitchy would find excuses and not come.

they're all coming.

and i know bitchy is going to sabotage the shower. there aren't going to be many people there, and i know she'll be ugly. oh man.

i guess i should just try to be positive about it. i was joking with my sister today. i said my gift will probably be a framed letter from my mother to hers about how much she hated me! Heh heh. i'm hoping a friend of mine will come who's sort of a big lesbian that would scare the shit out of her. there i go wanting bodyguards again!

okay. enough for today. ciao for now!