not so great days...

well, the good part of yesterday was seeing Maggie, and finding out that she's doing fine. of course, she's also 6.6 pounds and my doctor believes the cause is genetic, rather than diabetic. she's also once again in birth position, but i think i already knew that. i had been surprised last week when she was breech again, but felt like she was doing some serious movement over the weekend. i thought she was sick of being upside down. I guess she'd had enough of a break and went right back to it.

earlier in the day, it was crazy busy at work and my boss was just screaming at everyone (except me) and things were very strange. i felt bad leaving him early, but i had to. while i was on the train, i spoke with my friend and found out that it's a total of 13 people at my shower.

13 people.

including twitchy and bitchy. all of my so called friends have said they can't make it. many are getting invisible pink slips from me.

i don't know if i've mentioned it before (i don't like to mention this, because i get bombarded with requests) but i've been a tarot reader since i was 10. that makes 30 years. i'm damn good at it, but i do not like doing it. it's draining and time consuming and you get people asking you the same question 50 different ways because they want a different answer. i haven't read in a while, and when i do it's just a quick spread on something or other. all of these people have at one time or another (in most cases, repeatedly) asked me for readings or help and kept me on the phone for hours, usually until around 4AM. i've always been the "counsellor" type i guess.

i've been married twice. the first time was in '93. it was a big party at a friend's loft with a gnostic priest officiating. no church wedding. no real reception. it was dumb, quite frankly. but they were all there. the second marriage was a courthouse thing with my friend who's planning the shower, another one of my good friends who's attending the shower and my sister. that's it. we had dinner afterwards with my sister.

this is the last major event of my life that can be shared with the people i love. i have virtually no family aside from my sister and my cousin. bitchy and twitchy do not count. it's really tough to realize that, especially with jane and bill being gone so recently. it's so hard for me to sort of decompress without jane. she was so incredibly important to me - so therapeutic. i really used to talk to her and hug her and let myself just love her. if i cried, she put her head in my lap and gave me those eyes. it's so painful to come home feeling ultra shitty and then to realize all over again that there's no healing, no love waiting at home in the form of a great dog. no one to force yourself to cheer up for because it's so important to them that you're happy.

i'm not getting used to her and bill being gone. it's actually feeling worse and worse.

i cried until around 3am last night. just couldn't stop. i have so many emotions crowding around my head. joy with the baby. grief over jane and bill. lust for an animal to live with me. guilt over the joy. fear of the shower, and of delivery. disappointment with the people i'd considered my friends. it's too much for a simple mind like me!

but it IS friday. i'm glad i don't have to go into the city tomorrow. but i do have to attend a baby shower that will dwarf mine to a ridiculous degree. but what can you do? i have to get my hair dyed at 8:30AM. blech. hate waking up at a stupid time on a saturday morning.

what a whiny pain in the ass i am. i need me an animal. i really do. oh maggie - can't you let me know if you'll be allergic or not???? i can hardly wait. and i'm really wanting a chihuahua mix. that would be so cool. chihuahuas are so much fun to massage. shi tzhus are adorable and sweet too. that might be cool. they seem to love their shoulder rubs! and of course, i want cosmo! and maybe some new friends.

i'll stop whining. talk to you soon!