a big baby...

we saw baby maggie the other day. she's fine, but she's also 5 and a half pounds. we're only 32 and a half weeks, and she's supposed to be about a pound less than where she is right now.

wondering if i should ask about a c-section now. worried about the diabetes affecting maggie in other ways. they do say her legs are long too, and that she may just be a big girl. the doctor tells me to just keep doing what I'm doing and we're there every ten days now.

the news is really bothering me. looks like we're back in Vietnam again. of course there are decent people who join the military (i won't pretend to understand why, other than an insane yet "easier" way to handle college costs), but then you also have the worst of the worst who'll sign up specifically to go to war. then everyone is shocked when they do seriously fucked up things. this has to be one of the worst things i've seen. and then there was this lovely item as well.

my job is getting seriously nutty. the a/c is not working, and they just keep on lying to us about when it will be working. last lie was that it would be on by tomorrow. now they say friday. i left early tuesday, and had to leave early again today. i'd stay and suffer through it, but i'm worried about the baby. it has to be like 92 degrees on the floor.

okay. let's see if i have anything positive to say... i'm starting to just crave a kitten or puppy. i am so yearning for a warm fuzzy body to cuddle up with when i come home. the apartment is so empty and lonely that it's hard to deal with. i'm still crying. i guess i will be for a very long time. i've been trying to distract myself with movies.

i saw the new world, it was quite beautiful. it's more a meditation than a narrative film. i really didn't want to see it - it makes me crazy to think about everything that's been taken from the native americans. and i knew the movie would probably gloss over the worst of it (it did). but it was still gorgeous and humanizing. the girl who played pocahontas was beautiful and could say so much without speaking.

we watched the ringer last night. it was cute. when we saw the previews, it looked like it was just going to be beyond bad taste - it's the farrelly bros, and it's about a guy who crashes the special olympics, thinking it'll be easy to win the events. but the special olympics endorsed the movie, and it had a good message, and some really funny scenes. if you see it, my favorite line is about the "fucking ice cream".

i finally saw Grey Gardens. what a totally interesting documentary! i've been hearing about it for years, but never got to see it. it's a film about a mother and daughter who live in squalor in an east hampton mansion with dozens of cats and raccoons. yes, raccoons. they were nutty people, and they were the aunt and cousin of jackie kennedy. the maysles did the film (they had done gimme shelter) and it almost feels like a home movie that's just running on and on. these women break into song, start dancing, cook and eat in a filthy bedroom and much more. sad and sweet. it was done in '74 i believe. the film came out in '75.

Last Holiday was formulaic and predictible and for some strange reason, i loved it. i think it was just something i needed. queen latifah is very good - she's so natural. and i love ll kool j. I've called him todd since the 80s, which is when i first met him. he's about the nicest guy you could meet. we had a very long conversation one night in 1989. it was one of those really cool talks you have with someone when you think you'll probably never see them again - very therapeutic. i saw him a few months later at a club and he forced me to dance with him. that had to be one of the funniest things my friends had ever seen. (i was a psuedo punk who could not then, or ever since, dance, and he's, well, LL. it was fun.)

that's pretty much all I've seen. movies are hard to get through. i space out alot, cry. but I'm trying...it's hard pulling out of depression when it's this thick. hope you're all doing well.