not getting better, easier, or used to it...

it's a week since jane's gone. i thought maybe i'd have resigned myself to the fact that i'd never see her again by now, but everyday holds fresh pain. i miss her and bill so much that i can barely be in the apartment anymore. i was considering moving, but we cannot afford another 2 bedroom apartment, so we're trapped.

going upstairs and not hearing her at the door, whining and excited i'm about to open it and see her. taking off my socks at night and not throwing them to her (she'd catch them for a treat - crazy mutt). fixing something to eat and no longer having to walk around her because she'd be exactly where i needed to be on the off chance something would fall on the floor. going to bed and not having to wake her up so she could come with me. waking up in the morning and not seeing her either sleeping or waiting for her breakfast. not having to give her rimadyl in the morning and night, or her thyroid medication, or her special diet food anymore. i can't even look at the can opener. and no longer seeing bill waiting for me to wake up, sitting at my bedroom door. there's no more days when the italian is at work so it would be me and bill on my bed. me reading, him sleeping. or both of us sleeping. no more insane begging by a cat for macaroni & cheese. no more cuddling him like a baby as he fell asleep in my arms.

it's the worst thing i've ever been through. and what does everyone say to me? they say, well, you're having a baby. you have that to look forward to.

???

what? what does that have to do with losing the two beings that truly loved me, and loved me for longer than anyone on the planet? how is that supposed to make these feelings go away? i realize it's said with kindness, but it just doesn't make any sense to me. and it seems as if every single friend and family member has said it to me.

right now, when i think about the baby, i think how badly it's going to suck that she won't have an animal companion in her life for at least her first 6 or 7 months. probably longer. i find that heartbreaking. it's not how i wanted things to go. i had hoped that maggie would have jane with her for her first 2 or 3 years. i knew bill would be lucky to meet her once she came home, so that wasn't something i was really counting on.

what a drag this blog has turned into. i do think it's probably best to quit, as this is kind of pointless. who wants to read about depression? blech. there's a nurse that's coming to the apartment tonight to teach me about childbirth. i have no idea why i'm doing this now - i doubt i'll retain any of this information.

enough for now. i'll try to be back to close this up. hope you're all well (and doing much better than i am).